Day 101: Lucky the windows don't open...

...or I might have chucked a kid out one today.

I'm typing this from a school laptop that is missing the keys for a, -, and the right arrow, because students think it's funny to remove them, or rearrange them, when they are supposed to be doing school work.  Because they're morons sometimes.

I thought I'd heard all the varieties of excuses from students, but today showed me how wrong I was. As a reading Monday, my English 3 classes had two easy completion grades: one for signing my list with your name and title of your book, one for reading quietly the remainder of class. One of my students was upset the book she checked out, called Cold Skin by Steven Herrick.  It's a murder mystery, but it is written in verse, and I had to convince my student it was worth reading even though it was formatted funny.  Inspired by this odd art form, I offer...

A series of Excuses in three parts,
by my special snowflakes

I: Why I Can't Check Out a Book

I can't check out a book.
Will I get a zero?
You said we needed a book.
But I've got a fine.
A big fine.
Like, fifteen dollars, for a book I have at home.
They won't let me check out any more books.
No, I haven't asked.
They won't let me.
They won't let me.
The chick behind the desk.
Sorry Miss, the lady behind the desk.
Oh, they said I could.
But you said we're heading back to the classroom.
So I'm out of time.
Will I get a zero?




II: Why My Research Is Not Done

You know that paper that was due last Tuesday?

Well, see, I told you I'd bring it by on Thursday morning.

But I was playing football on Wednesday and busted my shoulder pretty bad.

There's nothing the doctors could really do. 

It still hurts.

But see, I was carrying my laptop in my room and my wiener dog was walking by 

And I only had one arm because of my shoulder.

And I tripped.

She's okay.

But my laptop screen is busted.

So I can't get anything on my computer.

And see, my mom bought me a new laptop.

But it doesn't have internet.

It needs something to plug in.

Like a, y'know...a DSL line.

So I can't get to the internet.

So I basically have to start over.

So I'll bring it before class tomorrow?

[Editor's note: This particular student broke his iPhone 6 so his parents bought him another iPhone 6. Pardon my incredulity at the idea that he doesn't have internet on his new laptop...]

III: D.E.A.R. time

I know you just said to read for half an hour,

But I gotta pee.

I know you don't let us go during class.

But I gotta urinate.  

Let me say that word louder so everyone in class can stop reading and listen only to me.

I gotta urinate. Urinate.

I understand you've come over to whisper to me about reading 

But I like to answer you in stage whisper so everyone

can still hear our conversation.

I didn't have to go at lunch

But I do now.

But if I asked you quietly I know what your answer would be.

You'd say no.

I asked because I have to go.
It's not my fault everyone else was listening.
They must not like their books.

Okay, I'll read.

But I'll giggle.

But Miss, I giggle because I gotta urinate.

It tickles, see.

So I giggle.

What is this book you gave me?

The Great what?

The Great Gatsby?

I gotta read how far?

The first chapter?

Why?

'Cus I missed it in class?

Oh, I understand.

Thank you miss.

I'd rather untie my tie 

And wear it around my forehead.

Or play with my watch.

But I got two pages read!
You told me to read and I did.
No, I won't take the book home.
I'll forget to read and lose it.
 _____________________